Dad, why do we care who gets married?
Dad, why do we care who gets married?
In light of the recent passage of the so-called Respect for Marriage Act, Jackson Randall (discipleship director, Christ Covenant) makes a case for Christians continuing to stand up for the definition of marriage as the permanent and exclusive unity of a man and woman. Scripture and nature testify that God has created marriage this way to foster our social and spiritual flourishing. We redefine it at our peril.
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1. The Cultural Challenge
Congress recently passed the so-called Respect for Marriage Act (RFMA), which aims to enshrine acceptance of same-sex marriage into American law.
How can Christians deny others the right to marry? Especially on the basis of their religious beliefs?
To believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman is to invite scorn and accusations of being on the wrong side of history, old-fashioned, a bigot, etc.
2. The Underlying Theological Issue
The RFMA takes the power to define marriage for the State.
Christians believe God not only defines marriage, but also that He created it (Genesis 2; Matthew 19:4-6).
God created humans for heterosexual marriage. Human anatomy, psychology, history, anthropology, and culture all witness to this basic natural order.
When we depart from this order, there are negative consequences.
This is why the State regulates marriage in the first place: it is the most conducive relationship for the rearing of healthy citizens. Kids do better with a mom and a dad and communities do better when husbands and wives stay together.
So, arguments for heterosexual marriage do not have to be built on distinctively Christian beliefs.
God also created heterosexual marriage for humans.
It’s a gift that enables us to flourish and points to the nature of God’s relationship with humanity (Ephesians 5:22-33).
Whenever marriage is undermined, chaos ensues.
After no-fault divorce removed permanency from the definition of marriage, rates of divorce have skyrocketed and the effects on children raised in broken homes have been disastrous.
The RFMA transforms marriage from an institution ordered to the well-being of the child to one oriented to the emotional bond and sexual expression of the couple (see DeYoung article below).
Traditional marriage also often involves a powerful emotional bond and the pleasure of sexual expression, but they are the glue that God has built into marriage, not the foundation on which it is constructed, which is the potential for procreation.
Marriage is the type of relationship that leads to the procreation of children and best ensures their flourishing even if these features are not true of every specific marriage (some couples are infertile and some parents are abusive).
This is not just a private issue which merely requires “keeping the government out of my bedroom.” As DeYoung says, “I don’t doubt that for most same-sex couples the longing for marriage is sincere, heartfelt, and without a desire to harm anyone else’s marriage. And yet, same-sex unions cannot be accepted as marriage without devaluing all marriages, because the only way to embrace same-sex partnerships as marriage is by changing what marriage means altogether.”
Violating God’s purpose and design will come with great costs, not just for the individuals who explicitly do so, but for the entire society, affecting us all.
We’ve already experienced this with the introduction of no-fault divorce, which also changed the nature of marriage, reducing its permanence, and has increased divorce rates and single parenthood.
3. The Biblical Solution
The Bible expresses the importance of marriage between a man and woman through introducing it as the first human relationship, even before the fall, as Adam and Eve unite as one flesh in the garden (Genesis 2).
Though Jesus affirms marriage as an exclusive, permanent, male-female relationship (Matthew 19:4-6), he did not marry himself, so marriage is not necessary for human fulfillment.
Christians should value but not idolize marriage.
While recent cultural developments have made marriage more about self-fulfillment, emotionally and sexually, the Bible presents marriage as self-sacrifice for one’s spouse, children, and ultimately God.
It reflects God’s self-giving and permanent love for his church (Ephesians 5:22–33)
4. Application
As the culture redefines marriage, we need to be more intentional about teaching our kids what marriage actually is, or they will join the growing number of young people adopting the redefined view.
For both our kids and our culture, we must practice what we preach, living out a committed, exclusive, and self-sacrificial love for our spouses and actively seeking to create homes where our kids can flourish.
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1. How can I say another human being doesn’t have the same right I have to get married?
You are not denying anyone this right anymore than you’re saying that as humans they don’t have a right to be hedgehogs or ham sandwiches--it’s impossible for two people of the same sex to be married by the very definition of the word.
All have the same right you have to get married to a person of the opposite sex, which is what marriage has meant throughout human history and across cultures.
The pacifist has a right to join the army, but he does not have the right to insist that the army create a nonviolent branch of the military for him to join (see DeYoung article below).
What you are saying is that no one has the right to redefine marriage.
Any definition of marriage that has any meaning will deny that “right” to some people.
The State does not (currently) grant marriage licenses to threesomes, children, or close relatives.
Instead of inventing a new definition, which will make remaining exclusions seem either arbitrary or discriminatory, you are maintaining a time-tested (and biblical) definition
2. So why not call a truce on the culture war and let the world define marriage its way and the church define marriage its way?
Allowing the world to redefine marriage for the State is not a truce.
It’s a defeat of a view of marriage that has “formed the basis of human society for millennia, for the Kalahari Bushmen and the Han Chinese, the Carthaginians and the Aztecs,” as Chief Justice Roberts put it (see Ortlund article below).
It gives the State’s stamp of approval on this new definition.It
will teach a new moral understanding of marriage (see number 4 below).
It will harm society, especially children.
The world is unlikely to be satisfied with a truce.
The goal of the gay rights movement is full public acceptance.
They have not been willing to practice the “live and let live” approach they advocate for Christians, but have instead prosecuted Christian bakers, photographers, florists, and website designers for not endorsing their understanding of marriage.
3. Doesn’t legislating a Christian view on marriage violate church/state?
Just because Christians hold a view does not make it a “Christian view.”
Marriage has been understood as a permanent and exclusive relationship between a man and woman in religions and cultures across the world and throughout history (see Roberts quote in #2 above).
Strong arguments can be made for this understanding of marriage without recourse to the Bible or Christian doctrine, such as the one made by Princeton Law Professor Robert George and two of his colleagues in What is Marriage?
The separation of church and state was not designed to exclude religious arguments from public debate, but to protect against government control of religion.
The establishment clause in its entirety states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
People on all sides of this debate bring their deeply held beliefs about morality and metaphysics--what we could call religious commitments--into views on marriage.
Christians should not shy away from their Christian commitments in the public square.
But their arguments are more likely to convince others if they include non-religious evidence, such as that from biology and sociology, which supports their view.
4. Why do we think we should legislate morality?
All legislation legislates morality.
It works from and reinforces a certain moral understanding of how humans should behave.
When seatbelt laws were made, for example, they reflected a moral commitment to human life, which was valued more than the minimal freedom not to wear a seatbelt.
This law also takes into account the many other people (other drivers, first responders, family members) who are detrimentally affected when someone is needlessly injured as a result of not wearing a seatbelt.
This law is similar to the one in Deuteronomy that homes should have walls around their roofs to protect from unnecessary injury (Deut 22:8).
The question, then, is not if but how we should legislate morality.
Legal does not necessarily equal moral and vice versa
Some things (greed) are legal but not moral
Some things (breaking unjust laws) may be moral but not legal
Generally, though, the law teaches and reinforces default morality
After same-sex marriage was legal, many assumed it was moral
The acceptance of same-sex marriage has grown significantly since states began to legalize it in 2004
A recent Gallup poll found that 71% of people in the United States now support same-sex marriage. This is an increase of nearly 50% over the past 25 years.
Legislation legalizing same-sex marriage resulted from certain moral commitments
Christians (and people of other faiths, along with some sociologists) believe that marriage between a man and woman is a fundamental moral and social commitment
Many, especially children, will be unnecessarily harmed if it is forsaken
A fundamental moral commitment of American law is that children deserve our special protection (e.g. child labor laws).
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4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)
When you were little, I told you that you couldn’t run into the street. I tried to explain why, but you couldn’t understand how fast a car could go, how much damage it could do to your little body, or why a driver might be distracted and not stop. To you, the command to not step from the grass onto the asphalt probably seemed like an arbitrary rule that I made up to limit your freedom. If it weren’t for me and my commands, you may have thought, you could have run wherever you liked.
These days, people think the same way about the rules that God has given us to guide how we should live. The Bible tells us that God created marriage right at the beginning of his creation, even before humans had disobeyed him in the garden (Genesis 2). He gave it as a good gift to the first man and woman. It was designed to provide them with companionship and to give them children. Like marriage, having children is a great gift that God gives to parents, but it’s also part of his great plan to fill the world with people who represent him and his glory (Genesis 1:28).
Like many of the gifts you get, marriage comes with an instruction manual of sorts, which tells us how to make it work and keep up from breaking it. There are three basic instructions. Marriage should be: 1. between a man and a woman; 2. between only two people; 3. a life-long commitment. Jesus talks about all three instructions in Matthew 19. And just like your gifts, if you don’t follow the instructions, it doesn’t work as well. People get hurt. Because God loves us, he gives us these instructions so that we can enjoy the good gift of marriage and all the other good gifts it brings with it (like you!).
However, these days, some people think about these instructions like you thought about the rule I gave you not to run into the street when you were younger. They think they’re just arbitrary rules to limit their freedom. They don’t understand that God has given them to us because he loves us, and that not following these instructions is going to cause a lot of pain in the world.
The Bible has stories in it of men not following the second instruction about marriage being between only two people and instead marrying more than one wife. That doesn’t go well for them, their wives, or their children. There’s jealousy and anger and betrayal. That’s the Bible’s way of teaching that this instruction is important. Recently, we’ve seen people pay less and less attention to the third instruction about the commitment of marriage. Though sometimes divorce can’t be avoided, it has become common, and, again, there’s been a lot of pain as a result. The people who have been hurt the most are kids, who don’t have stable homes to grow up in.
And now, some people want to throw out the first instruction and declare that marriage can be between two men or two women. But we have already seen that when we don’t use God’s gifts according to the instructions he gives for them, the result will be pain and heartache. Sometimes, the people who break God’s rules aren’t the ones who feel the pain that results. Others are hurt instead. If we agree to God’s gift being changed like this, it will hurt people across our country, especially children, who won’t have the benefit of both a mother and father. It will wear away on everyone’s understanding of God’s good instructions for marriage and make it easier for people to ignore them. God gave us these instructions for marriage because he loves us and knows what’s best for us. We need to trust him, just like you did when I told you not to run into the street.
Dear God. We praise you because you are our heavenly Father who loves us and wants what’s best for us. We pray that we would trust you. We thank you for the good gifts you give us. Please help us to follow your instructions so that we can enjoy them as you intended. Help us to love those who are hurting just as you do. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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Kevin DeYoung, “What Should Christians Think about Same-Sex Marriage?” The Christian Institute (15 Dec 2022). Audio version on DeYoung’s podcast, Life and Books and Everything.
Gavin Ortlund, “Four Appeals to Christians Embracing Gay Marriage.” Truth Unites (15 July 2015).
Tim Counts, “Why Should Christians Care about the Definition of Marriage? Understanding Important Bible Passages.” The Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission (6 Sep 2022).
Ryan Anderson, “Making the Case for Traditional Parenting.” Forbes (22 July 2015).
Sherif Girgis, Ryan T. Anderson, and Robert P. George, What is Marriage? Man and Woman: A Defense. Encounter Books, 2012.
Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. Penguin, 2013.
